What is Abuse?

Abuse in a relationship is when your partner hurts or treats you badly. It does not need to involve physical violence. Abuse can also be verbal, emotional, sexual, psychological or financial. Whatever form it takes, abuse in a relationship is never okay.

Your partner may blame you for how you are being treated. You may have tried to find ways to fix the relationship. Know that it is never your fault, and the only person responsible for the abuse is your partner.

You have a right to feel safe in a relationship that is free from violence and abuse. Remember, you are not alone, and help is available. We are here to support you with whatever step you decide to take.

What is the cycle of abuse?

Maybe you are experiencing mixed emotions. Your partner may be loving one moment, and then suddenly is angry and violent. Often, what follows are excuses, apologies and promises that it will never happen again. You may start to feel programmed and be careful about what you say and do, scared what your partner might do next.

This is how they try to control how you think, act and feel. The Cycle of Abuse explains this pattern of behaviour and shows how an abusive partner controls both their partner and the relationship. This is why it is often difficult to leave an abusive relationship.

Power and control sit in the middle of the cycle of abuse because a person’s desire to control and have power over someone else are the driving forces that keep continuing the cycle. The cycle of abuse would fall apart if there was no desire for power and control holding it together.

- Tension Rises
  - During this phase there is an increase of stress in the relationship, resulting in the survivor acting very cautiously around the person doing harm (PDH). The survivor may feel they have to “walk on eggshells” around the PDH or comply with anything the PDH wants so another abusive incident does not occur.

- Abusive Incident
  - This is the moment when the PDH is abusive in some way, whether emotional, sexual, physical, verbal or otherwise. This can include yelling, threatening, beating, assaulting, etc.

- Honeymoon Phase
  - During this phase the PDH is apologetic for the abusive incident and may ask for forgiveness, shows remorse, makes promises to change, etc. The PDH may increase actions of affection to survivor as “evidence” of changed behaviour.

- Calm or "Normal" Phase
  - This is when life and the relationship with the PDH may feel “normal”—like how the survivor may imagine a healthy and happy intimate relationship is. During this phase the abuse may stop or slow down and the survivor may be thinking to themselves that “maybe this time it really will be different” or “maybe the PDH has changed this time.” This phase can be very short or extend to several days, weeks or rarely, months.